a year ago, dans la belle france, two minority youths were electrocuted and one severely burned because they took refuge in an electricity generating station, fleeing the police who wanted to perform an identity check.  clichy-sous-bois erupted in violence, and that violence spread from the banlieux to paris herself...

the united states is no stranger to this sort of inflaming of the passions of the disenfranchised > it happens when the police mistakenly shoot and kill someone who had his wallet in his hand, or a cell phone, mistaken for a gun.  but here, even when we we are upset and outraged and beside ourselves with grief, we seldom riot.  not like les français in this case. 

and the violence has resurged on this anniversary, with hooded youths forcing people to disembark from three buses so that the buses could be torched and burned.  there have been recent ambushes of police who were responding to calls from within the worst of these banlieux (suburbs).  the mayor of clichy-sous-bois and the members of his police force will all be patrolling the streets tonight with fire extinguishers in their vehicles...

so... what is the difference between the situation in france and the situation here that keeps us from this sort of violence?  france has worked very hard to build a color-blind society, and therefore there are no programs such as affirmative action (apparently termed "positive discrimination" in europe according to the articles in the london press).  perhaps it is because we openly acknowledge that our society is racist and xenophobic on many levels, and have tried to address this in various ways, through legislation and education.

perhaps it is better to acknowlege one's sin and attempt to deal with it than to gloss over it, saying that there is no sin at all because we don't believe in that sin or practice it (even when it is obvious that the condition still exists)....

there is a problem in france with the way employment works, since the unemployment rate among all youth hovers at around 20%, with minority youth facing double that rate.  some of the issues, too, stem from too high an expectation.  one recent university graduate with a masters degree in financial administration was complaining that he had sent out over 100 resumés with no response over a six month period.  that is not a very long period nor a lot of resumés by our standards.

the united states has a history of almost 400 years of immigration and mixing of various religious and ethnic groups.  although we may not do it as well as we ought, perhaps we might start realizing that we do it fairly well, and look to see if there are any ways we can help our brothers and sisters around the world live in peace...

it seems that i may be the only person in  New York City to look up when i walk.  i have always had a passion for the buildings here, although i am more used to looking around in midtown (weird this > i now am describing the island of manhattan in terms that were once obscure to me, and not thinking anything of it until i write it down).  there are more commercial buildings in mid-town, and some of them are intricately carved.  i used to walk down 5th avenue while my friends window-shopped at tiffany's or macy's with my head tipped back, looking at ornamentation more than twenty feet above my head.  i wondered why someone would place the ornate work up so high?  wouldn't it seem more logical to place it down closer to eye level?  but i liked the feeling that it was a sort of private world, a link between myself and the architect, that not everyone was privy to. 

here in chelsea the buildings are more residential, and the feeling is very much that of neighborhood.  even still, the buildings are unique, not the same as the residences of brooklyn, those characteristic brownstones.  i still look up when i walk, even on the Close, and see what delights are to be seen.  for example, one of the newly refurbished dorms (scheduled to open in Aug 2006, but really opening in Feb 2007) has windows that are pointed arches, similar to a cathedral style window. 

off the Close, walking looking up is a little more problematic since some of the locals are not too careful about curbing their dogs... you don't want to step in a present ... ewwwww!!!!  but this morning i walked down to the indoor market and bought a loaf of italian rustica bread and some fresh butter.  that in itself was awesome.  and tres yummy.  but on the way, i noticed a building that was way cool.  first, you notice it because it is white in a city of grays and browns.  second, you notice that it is square, like all the surrounding buildings, but offset sort of perpendicularly to the street.  the name of the building is the maritime building, so you look up at it, and that's when you notice that all the windows are round portholes.... 

i have gone walking with andy, who indulges my passion and indeed shares it since he does architectural consulting and construction work.  he is always pointing out interesting things, and so i will have to share this building with him when i next see him...

closer to the ground, they have been reseeding the lawns here on the Close, and many birds have come to this impromptu feast.  for the first time i got to see a wren up close - she was so small and so delicate, plump with a bright yellow hat and a stubby tail... i also got to see/hear a mocking bird > this made me so happy and homesick i thought my heart would burst, since every place i have ever lived, sooner or later, a mocking bird has shown up.

perhaps i am supposed to be here after all...

there is a film crew on the Close (what they call our campus)... apparentl,y we are now Central Park, or at least the studio version of it.  we will be in an upcoming episode of "Law & Order: SVU"... they brought in extra fake plants, and some sort of lattice-work; we were hoping they would let us keep it since it looks so beautiful, in an artificial, studio way.  but no.

instead, we were treated to not being allowed to use certain entrances, not being allowed to check our snail-mail, not being allowed to go to and from our dorms... they tried to stop me from going to class - seems my boot heels made too much noise and i was a distraction to the actor-dog (hey, i can't help my animal magnetism) every time i went by... they tried to stop my one class from taking place > it's the Schola, our performance choir, and they didn't want us singing since that would come out of the classroom windows and interfere with the soundtrack.

it was ok that they had some wierdo person barking like a dog to mark out scenes before Actor-Dog took over, but singing is right out. (seems Monty Python & the Holy Grail was right about that....)  but hey, here's an odd fact > even though Actor Dog barked on cue (the same exact bark > bark, bark, bark, bark  for over 45 minutes), it obviously was in some kind of non-interesting-to-other-dogs kind of way, because none of the other dogs on the Close even thought about barking back....

Rk called today... all the way from sweden... seems he's been trying to get through for the past 10 days, so i guess my connectivity issues were not limited to internet.  why is it that a man with an accent can sound soooooooooo sexy and make your knees forget that they are made of bone and cartiledge, and not jelly?

there is an Episcopal seminary in Alexandria, Virgina aptly named Virginia Theological Seminary (VTS).  for a very very long time they have been our rivals, and within the past several decades, that has taken the form of FOOTBALL (American style, not soccer for those of you who prefer that other form)...

now, there is no official proof that VTS offers its seminarians football scholarships, but there is much anecdotal support, since GTS (General Theological Seminary, my school) has NEVER won a game against them.  actually, we haven't won a game against any other seminary either, but that might be because we have only ever played VTS....

well... the tradition has been for us to travel down to VTS in the beginning of October to face them on the field of battle... er.. football field of battle.  until last year, we had never even scored against them, let alone considered winning.  well, last year we managed to score 6 points!!! of course, they stopped counting how many touchdowns they scored against us once the score reached 56 to 6, but hey!!! at least we scored! it doesn't help that we have been barely able to field the 8 players it takes to make up one squad, let alone compete with a team that has 2 offensive lines & 2 defensive lines... last year, we had 11 people make the trip down to VTS, and were able to field a full team, plus have 2 substitute players and a person wielding a thurible (that is an incense burner on a chain, used in liturgical processions in some churches)... 

this year, we vowed to surpass even our last year's performance... SO... we had 25 people going down.... there were 11 members of the cheering squad, 8 of which were on the Liturgical Team (more about that in a second), 1 cameraperson, 1 first-aid person, and 12 random players.  VTS did so not know what to do with all of us!!!  we drove down on Friday afternoon, but even tho' we did our best to avoid rush hour, it still took over 7 hours to make the drive down... the game was Saturday, and it was a beautiful day to die...

the football squad ate an early breakfast (carb-loading at its finest), while the Liturgical Team prepared to do our part to aid in the effort... all of us were wearing black cassocks; one man donned a green and black chausible, another wore a red verger's robe, the rest of us wore white surplices over the cassocks with academic hoods borrowed from the faculty (they were with us in absentia).  one woman, instead of wearing the academic hood, wore a cope (big fancy cape) and a bishop's mitre, to be the Bishop of Europe (she's italian and apparently has ambitions....)  we processed from the refectory down to the field: first the verger wielding a huge wooden cross, then the chausible man and another man both wielding thuribles, then a woman carrying a homemade icon of St. Lawrence (martyred on a gridiron, pun really intended), myself and another woman carrying stuffed penguins (our mascot > we are the penguins, VTS are the friars), then the first-aid person with a woman who was engaged in a servant ministry (translation: she carried what we couldn't), with our "bishop" and her 4 year old daughter rounding out the procession...

we processed onto the field where we proceeded to gather both teams together to sing a hymn (the tune was chelsea square (another pun since GTS is in the chelsea neighborhood of manhattan).  during the hymn, the thurifers censed the "bishop", then the center of the field, the football, the 'icon' of St. Lawrence, the penguins, and each team.  there was a real bishop supporting VTS, and he led us in prayer, and finally the mayhem commenced.

we scored first, a touchdown and converted for 2 points (both were firsts for GTS), and all VTS could do was score 2 safeties.  at the end of the first quarter it was 8-0 GTS, and at the end of the half, it was 8-4 GTS. the thurifers were censing the line of scrimmage for each play, and i was running up and down the field, penguin held aloft, all of us cheering mightily.  we had even transliterated signs reading "penguins rule" and "fry the friars" into greek... it was some sight!!!!  unfortunately, we lost in the end, but only by a very respectable score of 28-8, the first time VTS had ever had to sweat, the first time they had ever trailed at the end of the first half, and the first time GTS had held them to only 3 touchdowns.... just wait 'til next year!! penguins rule!

oh, and if anyone wondered... i was without internet connection for the past 2 weeks *sob, sniffle*

tonight i went to a lecture given by the sub-dean for academic affairs.  he and his wife, also a priest, went to South Africa, specifically Capetown, to meet with Archbishop Desmond Tutu.  the reason for the trip was to scope out/enscribe/describe how the Desmond Tutu Education Center being built on the seminary grounds would interact with the Bishop Tutu Peace Center being constructed in Capetown. 

they brought back 8 hrs of video, and it is being distilled into 1-1/2 hour presentations.... what a beautiful country South Africa is... and the progress that has been made towards reconciliation is astounding.  although i have no clear idea of what i would do there, i would love to visit the Peace Center - i believe it is currently operating on university grounds.  it would be excellent to visit South Africa even as a tourist, it is so lovely.  plus the music is awesome...

i was so excited tonight - i found someone who speaks french!!!  omg, this man is amazing.  he's from the nederlands, is already ordained and is doing his doctorate here in theology.  not only does he speak dutch, but his english is almost flawless, and he is able to do theological discourse in English, not even his native tongue.  so we were telling how impressed we were with that, especially since he has to write a 40 page paper for this one class, and he said, "well, it is double-spaced" (he was serious too)... i remarked that i didn't think i could write a theological paper in french, which is the only other language in which i even approach fluency, and Pb immediately switches to speak in french!! so we had a pretty decent conversation in french, talking about how we learned it and how hard it might or might not be to discuss theology in that language, until the other students we were with started making fun of us...

but it was still nice.  i like Pb; he has a dry sense of humor, and has a different world view than most of the other seminarians here. 

on days like today i almost feel like i might fit in.  eventually.

there is a very weird feeling to being in a place, recognized as a married person, but not have your spouse with you.  you are married, and therefore not free to form attachments, but you are oddly single, since you are alone.  many others here, both gay and straight, have their spartners (spouse/partner) living with them, and many others here are single.  we who are both married and single make up the minority, and are also not quite residents, since we go home as often as we can....

one more instance of not being quite anything.  add to that my position as a transfer student.  the seminary was great, accepting all my credits, and counting the bulk of them towards core courses.  however.  (yes, there is always a "however")  this means that i have taken a all but one of the first year courses, a good deal of the second year courses, and even a portion of the final year courses.  the effect has been to only be in some of the classes with my graduation class....  i am a puzzle piece that doesn't quite fit....

my surgery on 9/11.... prophetic day, eh?  dj's most recent quotable quote, before i forget, "i know you might have cancer and all that, but my broken elbow hurts and i have a headache. so i need sympathy, too"  ... so i go in at 6:00 AM to the same day surgery unit, and after all the prep work, i meet with the anethsteziologist, and she asks me if this is what i really weigh.  i told her that they had weighed me, so she tells me she is going to give me a small amount of liquid valium in my IV to relax me.  now, i have been looking forward to that valium for weeks, since it is the greatest feeling.  well, apparently they took my weight wrong, because instead of making me float and feel wonderful, it knocked me flat on my ass... didn't remember anything until the recovery room   

so i go back to school that same day, but i am soooooo tired from the drugs that i can't stay awake.  even the next day in classes i keep nodding off.  but i finally got the results .... everything 100% benign....all normal... never have to see that doctor again!   so, for that

So..................

on August 10 i received a letter admitting me to General Theological Seminary, and telling me to report for orientation on 8/28.  on 8/21 i had 11 tissue samples taken from two different masses in my left breast, and then on 8/27 i packed two large rolling duffels with coffee maker, desk lamps, toiletries, sheets, pillow, willoughby-the-bear-that-goes-everywhere, towels, books, laptop, printer, and some clothes.  dj and i climbed on the train in the rain, rode to NYC, where we met up with my cousin who helped with the slogging of personal effects, clambered on the subway, and emerged into the rain at 8th and 23rd for the 3 block trek to seminary. 

the city blocks are loooooooooong.  dj doesn't walk, and bb, my cousin, is not so physically fit.  we made a very very bedraggled site as we arrived.  my rooms are on the top of a building that dates to 190?, so, you guessed it > no elevator/lift.  not even a dumb waiter.  4 flights up to the rooms. 5 flights down to the showers (in the basement).  a water closet smaller (yes, smaller) than an airplane toilet is on the 3rd floor at least.  otherwise i might have invested in a chamber pot.  it took 3 tries to get keys that worked in all the doors, but finally that happened.  we ate about 9:00 that night.

orientation was more DISorienting than anything.  chapel at 8AM then stuff until chapel at 12, followed by lunch, followed by stuff, followed by chapel at 5:30.  dinner is always on your own.  i was in tears by thursday - just too much and i was too tired.

classes started on 9/4, and i am taking Liturgics (the study of theology as revealed in the practice of the rituals of the Episcopal church), Preaching 1 with lab (they VIDEO TAPE you ...ugh!), Church Music 1, Schola (audition & performance choir), and History of the Episcopal Church in the United States (actually a neat course). 

on 9/5 i find out that all my biopsies came back negative.  i am fine for those two lumps.  but have surgery on 9/11 for the remaining one.....

more to follow.

i woke up at 4:30 this morning with the absolute certain revelation that i will never again be kissed breathless, kissed into and with total abandon, by my husband.  despite talking about it.  despite trying.  it will never again be part of what we share.

would you rather i be a plaster saint, outwardly perfect in all that i do or say? or would you rather i be real, concrete, present in all the sinfulness of humanity, but still walking and working towards enlightenment?

that's what i want to shout at jb.  throw in his face.  scream at the world. 

tomorrow i will have stomach virus, which will force me to stay home from work, because i have my personal interviews with faculty plus financial aid at General Theological Seminary in new york city!!!!  it looks like they have accepted me, or else why this command performance, complete with transcript?

and this is why jb and i have had this discussion, about my "behavior".  about how he expects "some" people (read yours truly) to live up to a higher standard.  because if i do reach the end of this path culminating in ordination, it is a truly valid question. a lifestyle question, for anyone who is searching for enlightenment.

what's the answer?  it used to be that we all wanted plaster saints, icons to be revered.  then the Roman church had the sexual scandals of the 1990s and everything changed > we are still seeing repercussions of that.  was it better to not know what had (probably) been going on for centuries? or is it better now, to see the world as it is?  i know which is more comfortable; i own my own pair of rose colored glasses. i even own rose colored goggles for when i need my entire world (including the peripheral bits) to be nice.  however, when reality eventually crashes in, it can then be worse.

people seem to want those they view as enlightened to be perfect, perhaps so that they can then excuse themselves from striving for enlightenment since only the perfect can succeed, perhaps because they need to believe that there is some thing better in this world.  however gilded, this is still a cage > we remain trapped in childhood, living with magical thinking.

we should take strength and comfort from the fact that we are all on the pathway to enlightentment, and that those who are "ahead" of us still share our fundamental struggles against sin/evil/chaos/not-God/le néant.  we take this journey together, and where i might stumble, you might be strong, and where you are faint and weary, i might have more stamina.  others may have trouble with stealing or anger while i have trouble with lying and love.

it is hard to grow up, to voluntarily remove our blinders and see the world as it is.  if we refuse, however, we will never experience all of life in all of its rich goodness, for even with the faults of humanity and the rest of life's events, this world is still a beautiful place.  it is still God's good creation.

so... how would you answer the questions posed at the beginning?

Just in case you missed me, i thought i should post and update all y'all....

the mammogram/sonogram of my breast showed a tumor.  not the one i felt, but in another location.  now i have to get a biopsy on the 8th of August.  even though i know the chances are even that it could be a fibroedema and benign, why does the word "tumor" immediately conjure up the word "cancer"?

dj's best friend called us friday night to say that, after 18 years and 2 kids, his wife has asked for a divorce. quite unamicably.  and so mj spent most of saturday and most of sunday with us.  since both he and his wife are our friends, this is very sad.  and it has nothing to do with falling in love with someone else, just with external forces...

dj and i took the moms back to St. Peter's, Perth Amboy (where i did my internship) to see everybody.  it was so nice to be welcomed with open arms!  but one of my friends has had a set back - lung cancer that had been eradicated by radiation has metastasized to her hip, so she is now on chemo and tolerating it badly.  her name is carole, and her husband, billy, told me that he is so scared that he will lose her... so if any of you would be so inclined, i would really appreciate you sending prayers to God (or, for my atheist friends, healing thoughts to the universe) for healing and strength for both of them.  also, i discovered that Fr. Rod, the priest who mentored me so wisely and well there, has polyps on his vocal chords, and his xrays showed an abnormality, so he must have a biopsy done at the end of August.... so please, healing for him as well...

Ces and i and Dj and i have been going around and around talking about measuring success.  both Ces and Dj feel that, if you have not achieved a certain level of material success, you are a failure.  Dj ended up blowing up at me out of frustration with his job on thursday - he refuses to give up this job he hates because he has to have a certain level of income in order to meet his bills.  he has these bills still from his first marriage because he felt he had to have a certain level of material achievement to feel good about himself.  Ces is upset because he can "only" afford a $500K home, when all his friends and family live in $750K+ homes.... they seem to be in the majority, while my satisfaction with what i have, even if it is nothing by their standards, seems to be the counter-cultural trend of thinking.  it was such a terrible blow-up on thursday, that even the pets were afraid of Dj... i have to say i was not afraid, just very very sad...

so... to recap since my last post > tuesday i found out i have a tumor, thursday Dj and i had a killer fight, friday Mj told us about his impending divorce, and sunday i discovered that two of my very dear friends are quite ill....  i hope this week is better!