February 6, 2006

  •  ok, i've had some quality sleep over the weekend.  i think i have the stressing under control...  the obsessing, too...  i know people are simply trying to be helpful when they tell me that i obsess and brood... but i'm not so sure that it is (helpful, i mean), since then i worry that i am obsessing about worrying, and i end up deciding not to let people see what is going on with me at all...


    one of the issues i've identified is that i am having trouble trusting people.  which fact surprised the excrement out of me, but its truth is undeniable.  just because someone hurt me, i now apparently believe deep inside that others in the same situation will do the same... not only is this sad, but distressing....


    Jm hurt me terribly, but Rk never has, not even a hint of it. and yet, if i am not vigilant, i find i project Jm's actions onto Rk... not fair at all, but there all the same.  so maybe it hasn't been Rilke that's been the problem, just ... overidentification...


    and to the one with whom i share the music and the longing,  and