ever
do something stupid with the best of impetuous intentions?  and
then have it piss off someone you really care about?  and then
they won't talk to you even when you apologize and say sorry and
promise never to do it again?  i HATE it when that happens....

if you have not read Sue Monk Kidd's book The Secret Life of Bees, i highly recommend that you do.  one of the things that intrigued me the most is how some of her themes are positively Tollean...

"'How come if your favorite color is blue, you painted your house so pink?'

She laughed, 'That was May's doing.  She was with me the day I went to the paint store to pick out the color.  I had a nice tan color in mind, but May latched on to this sample called Carribean Pink.  She said it made her feel like dancing a Spanish flamenco.  I thought 'Well, this is the tackiest color I've ever seen, and we'll have half the town talking about us, but if it can lift May's heart like that, I guess she ought to live inside it.'

'All this time I figured you just liked pink, ' I said.

She laughed again.  'You know, some things don't matter that much, Lily.  Like the color of a house.  How big is that in the universal scheme of life?  But lifting a person's heart--now that matters.  The whole problem with people is--'

'They don't know what matters and what doesn't,' I said, filling in her sentence and feeling proud of myself for doing so.

'I was gonna say, The problem is they know what matters, but they don't choose it.  You know how hard that is, Lily?  I love May, but it was still so hard to choose Carribean Pink.  The hardest thing on earth is choosing what matters.'

(The Secret Life of Bees pp 146-147)

wow! an entire month since my last post....

my seven months of discernment has passed, and i am no longer at St. Peter's, but have returned to my home parish of St.Mark's, in Basking Ridge.  although my last Sunday at St. Peter's was July 17th, i took the following Sunday off to spend with Ces and his family at another "cathedral" > shea stadium!  the mets played well, and actually won; kris bensen pitched, so i got to see him in person, which was way cool.  the highlight, however, was the dynamets dash, where all kids are allowed onto the outfield warning track, and let around the edge of the field to first base; the grass is protected by burlap, and they walk to first base, then they 'dash' all the way to home plate! becz it is only for kids, i was in a dilemma - i may be small, and may look a lot younger than i am, but no way can i pass for even a teenager... lucky for me, Ces' younger son was there and is still small enough for it to be believeable that he might need an adult with him , so i grabbed his hand (he shook me off at the first opportunity tho') and sprinted around the bases!

it was something, though, to be standing in the outfield at shea... when i walked thru the fence in center field (just to the left field side of the apple that pops up when a home run is hit) and stood there, looking at the stands, tears pricked my eyes...  from the seats, you don't appreciate what it means for a stadium to hold 50,000 people, but from center field...... the grass stretches on forever it seems, and the seats are so small - you can imagine how it would look if they were filled.  the fans are usually noisy at games, but to hear everyone yelling and cheering at once (like for a home run or good play or even a bad call) must be deafening...

the last time i felt like that was the first time i stepped on stage at Carnegie Hall - the bus had been early, and we had about 15mins before rehearsal (not held on stage), so i slipped away by myself and found my way onstage.  the house lights were dimmed, and there were only a few backstage lights; you could see old tape on the stage floor, marks for past performers.  walking to the edge of the stage, which is rimmed in lights (footlights!), and looking out over the empty seats, they seemed to soar above, edged in gilt (which you cannot see from inside the boxes)... i felt the presence of all those who had performed before my group, breathing encouragement and excitement into me... and here i was, going to sing and join that pantheon - no wonder that it brought tears to my eyes!

well, standing on the edges of shea was similar - what surprised me was how short the base paths seemed!  of course, i was sprinting after my "son", and i still can run fairly fast (the workers guarding the infield were cheering me on!), but still, i didn't expect to reach home that quickly...