July 5, 2005

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  if you wanted a house in the Hamptons, or even in subhurban New Jersey, it is a little late to tell me now... if you want a Lexus, Beemer, or even a high-performance domestic car, you had better tell me now.  these things are not part of the world i am striving to create for myself, for us, and i need to know now how you really feel.  i cannot change directions very much longer - there is truly an intensely limited window of opportunity. Dj and i have been fighting.  it used to be much harder, but now has beome easier, almost frighteningly so; as it gets closer to the realization of the fruits of my postulancy, it seems as if reality is setting in.  when it was something that would not require him to change, not his lifestyle, not where he lived, not his job, he was all for it; now he is seeing that he, too, must change in order for this to become a reality.  first the debt-reduction > i know he had always intended to accomplish that goal, but at his own pace, and now another has taken charge of telling him what to do and when to do it.  now the reality that we might have to move (meaning he will have to find another job) once i am ordained.  plus the realization that we now have all of the material wealth we will probably ever have... if you don't want to go somewhere/do something, tell me right away -- don't wait until we are packed and ready to go to say no.  especially if i have been viewing this as my escape, my vacation.  tell me up front.  and don't one year not only pretend to like/understand a hobby, but buy me equipment to pursue it, and then get angry and pout when i do pursue it some years down the road.  be upfront. be honest.  stop leading me on.  no one expects someone to never change their mind, to never alter an opinion, but it is expected that when that does happen, a discussion (renegotiation if you like) will occur.  you shouldn't unilaterally change the rules. so Dj is living in the future with his past pain as his companion; and half the time i get warped into joining him... Rk and i, on the other hand, tend to be shifting our focus from Now to 'what maybe should have been' - a wonderful street to visit, but so dangerous a dwelling... Ces keeps me anchored - he and i are able to discuss the difficulties of living in the Now, of not getting ahead, or behind, ourselves... and to the one with whom i share the and the music, i send you

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